Half way

Well I've made it half way!! As much as it's been hard I feel so blessed to have made it so far without losing my mind completely. Of course I sometimes laugh so hard for so long about nothing or burst into tears about nothing which makes my husband probably think I'm going crazy but who doesn't do those things behind closed doors right!? I have thankfully stopped losing weight which is also something I'm very thankful for. During the days and nights I eat a lot. I throw up pretty much everything but apparently what ever calories that stay in are doing me good. My dr said make high calorie choices and who's told that other than when your pregnant ! So im taking advantage and even though It doesn't end well I've luckily kept my appetite since I've left the hospital. I dunno how or why I still want to eat but it's definitely a blessing. My dr wants me to gain another 25lbs before I'm done my pregnancy so I've got some growing room that's for sure!. What's new lately.. Well I've been  watching tons of basketball with Jason which he loves becuase before now I wasn't always that interested but something's kicked in in me that I genuinely enjoy watching it. It helps that for the first time since I've known Jason his team is actually winning so it's definitely more fun now to watch the Toronto rapotors than it ever has been. I've been crocheting lots and laying lots. I still have a hard time being up for too long but the fact that I can sit up at all is a big step in the right direction. Riding in the car is hit and miss these days but usually ends with me having to lay my seat back or maki sudden stops on the side of the road as all pregos have done at one point or another. The dr said my passenger is keeping me growing and my placenta is trying to conserve all my fluid still so I'm pretty bloated a lot of the time. From puking so much my body is just exhausted 100% of the time and even just walking from the car to the house sometimes seems like a marathon. Some days are better than others so that keeps me going and I'm starting to feel flickers of movement so that's made me excited too! My body has changed so much even in this last week I feel like my stomach just popped maybe not to other people but to me for sure! Sleeping is starting to get more strategic with my pillow placement becuase I switch off with my body pillow cause I get sore sleeping with it which is a little disappointing but I always sleep better with it so that's good! Just getting harder now that I can't sleep at all on my tummy I've been able to almost till now so that's been great but now I'm purely sides which I hate my ears get so sore! Emotionally I've been doing alright I have sad days but then my next day is way better! I just have to approach every day as a new day and then I don't get as over whelmed. I have to think before I go to bed to myself that the next day will be better and that keeps me sane! But I've made it half way and that's a Mericle in its self! Thanks to everyone for being so supportive love you all. Till next time .. Stay positive it can always get worse:) 

Boy or girl!?

Well the results are in and ..............ITS A GIRL!! The day started with me being so worried about keeping down enough water and all through the night last night I was thinking about it. I knew my ultrasound was at three fifteen so i was trying me best to plan ahead and try and just hold it all day. I would have been SO sad if I couldn't have had it done because I threw up all the water but I just started with a frozen juice box and kept that down.. Tried to eat lunch and lost all of that but then just laid and sipped on a drink till it was time threw up one more time and thought it was all ruined! But once I got there and was on the table she said it was fine! When the tech came out she was Super young so I thought she's gunna be so fun and get me more excited but quickly that image was shot down when she barely spoke and when she did sounded like she would rather be anywhere else.. Jason was sitting kind of behind her while she was taking the initial pictures so he could try and see what she was typing but he didn't see anything! She asked a couple questions about the pregnancy which I tried to keep her talking but she said like one word ending the convo responses. Then she finally turned the screen to us and said arm arm, leg and leg, profile , spine and feet.. No excitement just matter of factly then said we are finished if you want pictures just get them at the front when you leave. Completely polite but with no feeling what so ever. I don't know why I expected to go in and have this cheerleader of excitement but that is exactly what I didn't get which I thought was disappointing. I feel like I know it has probably been a long day for you but can't ya just rally for a pregnancy appointment?! It's been a long 14 wks for me so far and this is my one excitement can ya just be a little more peppy? I have heard this is common for techs here so I didn't get my hopes up till I saw how young she was. My attempts to ask about gender were quickly shot down as usual but she said at the start she hadn't seen it yet and I didn't ask again. It was so crazy how much the baby changes since our ultrasounds in the hospital it looks like a real baby and it's crazy! I still kind of feel like it's not real yet! I don't think I'll feel like its real till she's out! Or till I can feel her moving more I can feel fluttering a but nothing definite. They said she's measuring a little small but that can change and vary over the weeks with any pregnancy my other doctor said while I was in the hospital so I'm not too worried about that and don't want to change my due date untill she's consistently measuring smaller. I think to keep me sane I cannot go back a week in my mind or how far I am along. I am barely hanging on here anyways I gotta just keep moving forward day by day no going back a week! I just hope desperately that there is a bigger improvement soon so I can enjoy this all more. So I can go out and be excited about having a little girl! Starving doesn't make anyone the best person they can be but this news has helped me to get more excited I am so greatful that I found out for this extra boost of happiness:) 

Whenever I have something exciting happen the first person I think to this day I want to tell first is my mom. Before mom passed away she was the first person I called when anything happened. She was truly my best friendand the person I still aspire to be this day.  I always have this fleeting thought of I cannot wait to tell mom and then there's that sinking feeling of rememberance again. This for sure was one of those times in my life. Everyone says she knows but it's just not the same. It's not the same as running into her room and jumping on her bed while she cursed me cause the covers came up and her feet are freezing and then telling her while with big started planning and thinking about how awesome it was going to be. She's one of a kind... There are big moments  like when I got engaged or when I got married or when we found out we were expecting you always want to tell your mom or share it with your mom becuase well she's your mom and that's it. She always was the one cheering me on or the one I could count on for the best reaction to exciting news. I know she would be so excited for another girl to come into the family, another baby in general. I hope I can feel her around me in this roller coaster time of my life and feel of her happiness for us. I love my mom so much and miss her everyday. So many questions I wish I could ask her or just to lay beside her in her bed was the most comforting feeling in the world becuase you knew how much she cared for you. I hope that i can be that warm light for my kids to come to when times are hard or when they need someone to be extra excited that they come to me first becuase they know I'm their biggest fan! I hope above all that she's looking down on me and is proud of what I'm doing in my life. 

Well that's all for today hope you all enjoyed and can be excited with us! Till next time stay positive, it can always be worse. 

The anticipation!

Well I thought I would post before our big week next week! When we find out whether we are having a boy or girl! From about 13 wks on I have thought for sure that it is going to be a girl and Jason of course as most dads thinks it's going to be a boy :) most people who are sick that I've talked to have had girls so I think that's where my mind got this crazy idea that that is what we are having. Honestly I will be shocked if it's a boy just because I have been thinking girl this whole time. I of course would be completely happy with a boy or a girl and so would jay its just fun to guess I think! So many people aren't finding out what they were having and to those people I say way to have will power! There is no way I could wait. I'm too much of a planner and I doing like to be overwhelmed and I feel like I would be if it came out and I didn't have everything where it needed to be. Some people know what they are having but somehow can keep the huge secret and don't tell anyone what it is I think that would be a complete fail in my case I would be way too excited to not tell at least my family! I think from being so sick I've become so run down that this week of excitement cannot come faster. I need a boost to get me through this next half. Oh yeah I'm nineteen weeks on Tuesday so I'm pretty much half way I'll say lol On Monday we head to our ultrasound where I'll try and convince my tech to tell me the gender before we leave! Everyone says there is no way they will tell me but I'll still try my hardest! Then on Thursday we have our dr appointment so then we will finally know he or she:) We have been thinking boy and girl names well I have been and I just ask Jason randomly if he hates them or not. We don't exactly have the same name taste but eventually we will find one. I've decided not to decide on a name till the baby is actually out because what if we do and then they come out not looking like that name!? I've had that nightmere like three times since being pregnant. So I'm hoping we will go into the hospital with a few names chosen and then once we see its sweet little face we will know! I'm so excited to be able to stop saying "it" because it makes it sound like an alien. As for how I'm feeling now I am pretty much the same.. If I eat during the day 9 times out of 10 I'm puking the second my last bite is down. In the night because I double up my pills I am VERY drowsy (like can barely walk to the bathroom) so I wake up eat a couple ritz crackers or Jason wakes me up with peanut butter on toast and then I go back to my drug induced slumber and usually keep it down if I go right back to sleep if I don't its a race to get to the bathroom again. I of course try to eat during the day because my dr said that a little bit always stays in there so I think with my trying to eat it's helping me try to maintain my weight. I've gained five pounds and then fluctuated up and down a couple pound either way. Dr Browne says its thanks to my placenta for holding onto all my moisture and my passenger as he calls the baby. He still wants me aiming to gain one to two pounds a week which didn't work this week with a loss of .6 but I don't see him till Thursday so I still have time! I'll give an update next week with the gender reveal! Till then stay positive it can always be worse. 

When It Said "YES"

Well I obviously don't know how to use this yet becuase the original blog I accidentally deleted when I went onto the app on my I PAD!! This was a really long entry so it sucks that much more! Well Ill try and paraphrase what I said before.. I want to write a post about the excitement before all the craziness happened. About when and how this little one came to be:) I had gone to the doctor about a year ago for something minor and decided to talk to him about fertility things because I had been wondering and he knew all my medical history. He told me with treatments I had had when I was younger and my history of cysts I was probably going to have a hard time but that they don't usually intervene till you had tried for like a year and a half or two years. After I was told this I wasn't scared and I decided to take that as a good sign from my body. I told Jason what we had been told and then we decided that we just wouldn't prevent but we wouldn't be "trying" because we both had a feeling things would happen as they needed to and at the right time. With my irregularity we got anxious a couple times but were promptly put back into place by the negative pregnancy tests. We moved back from Utah in May and settled back into life here in Lethbridge. Me at a new job that I loved going to as well as Jason and we were doing great and loving life! We made it through summer and had a great time being back with all the family. On October 17th I was talking to jay and my sister saying ugh I wish I would just start my time of the month already I hate being so bloated and feeling all PMS like its the worst. I realized as we were talking I was two weeks late but that still didn't mean much to me with my irregularity sometimes I wouldn't even have a period that month. Chelsie told me I should get one just for fun just for peace of mind and the following morning while I was trying to get on my "skinny jeans" that seemed more like my "never going to happen jeans" I decided I would take her advice! On my way to work I picked one up just for peace of mind. I texted Jason and said I got a test ill text ya if its negative or ill call you if its somehow positive. When I got to work there was only four of us working that day because everyone's holidays happened to overlap that certain Saturday. I sat at the front desk and my test was quickly spotted by our front desk girl and my friend Amelia and we both made an excited noise and I told her Its probably going to be negative so don't get excited! I then when straight into the bathroom to just  get it done so I wouldn't have to think about the possibility anymore. I put the test back into the box and waited the three minutes expecting to pull it out and throw it away but when I pulled it out all it said was "YES". I sat there for a few minutes breathing heavily and thinking its got to be wrong! Then it set in where I decided to take this important test in the bathroom at work before my day started. Not my best idea in the world I would say. Then I came out and went directly into our break room at work and I must have looked as shocked as I felt and they immediately knew something was up! It was me and Christie and Bridge and Amelia and I said well I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Then I cried and we all jumped up and down as girls usually do at a time like this and then I called Jason and told him. I kind of wish I had told him in person now that I look back but I didn't want to lie or wait so I just had to! I swore all the girls to secrecy because I didn't want to tell my work until I was at least 12 weeks so I knew it was healthy and okay. Then I called my sister because I couldn't leave her hanging after I told her I bought one and she was just as excited as we were. I ended up telling both of our families by the end of sunday just our immediate family because I didn't want to have to tell everyone that we had miscarried if that did end up happening. Everyone was happy for us and we were happy! I felt totally fine that first week just ate everything in sight and threw up maybe once a day but nothing I couldn't handle! About five ish days after I found out I started throwing up every single thing that went into my mouth so about 8-10 times a day while I was at work thank heavens I had Amelia at front to cover for me when I was feeling absolutely terrible! Nov 2nd I was totally off work and couldn't do anything I was laid completely flat and couldn't stand or even sit up without loosing everything. I had my first trip to the emergency that week and everything has progressed till now! I Miss work and I miss going to movies and eating out and enjoying food but I cant think about what I miss or the 23ish weeks I have left like this or ill go crazy so I just wait to fight another day or wait to feel better! So hopefully I didn't miss anything that I wrote in the last one but if I did I'm sorry and Ill remember for next time! Till then stay positive! It could always be worse!

Coming in from the third floor

Well we all knew this was inevitable but I was hoping I wouldn't be back so soon! Yep you guessed it another stay at the hospital. I started my day going to dr brownies office after a hard night and then he told me I would be heading over to the hospital to get juiced up because I had a bladder infection they saw in my tests and it was quite far along so i had to get IV antibiotics. Today I sat in labor and delivery and was under the impression I was just here to get zofran , some fluid, and my IV antibiotics for a couple hours then I would be going home. I purposely didn't eat knowing I was going to the doctor and I didn't want to puke so we got here at just before three and got my IV in after a couple tries and then started all the fluids! Finally six came around assuming I would be leaving cause I ate two cookies and didn't puke which is really good for me. Then she's said she just had to dr Browne about what he had planned for me and then I was really confused. Before he got me here I asked him this isn't something that's going to be more than just walking in and out right and he assured me it wasn't but after getting more results back which I still haven't heard much about ill be staying overnight and hopefully get to go home sometime tomorrow.  The thought of staying here longer makes me so anxious but I guess if this is what needs to happen! So jay went home and got my stuff for the night and no more cause I didn't want to jinx it cause my last stay was only supposed to be a couple days that turned into like ten. He said my hairloss is normal pregnancy stuff when your Body gets into stress like this. Just hope it cans top so I can keep what I have! The nurses come in every half hour asking if I'm better I don't think they've seen one like me before. Where you just juice them up as much as you can then I go home. The zofran after quite a few doses starts to make a dent in the nausea but that was like eight days into it last time and about 3000 dollars worth of Zofran IV bags thank goodness we live in Canada!! I cannot tell you how greatful I am to be in Canada while this is happening. Being able to just relax when this is all so out of my control is a huge blessing. If I had to worry about every IV bag and day I was here I would be nuts honestly what a lucky girl I am to live in Canada in a time like this! My sweet husband sat beside me all day as I envisioned I was anywhere but here and when we found out I was staying got my essentials from home and delivered them back to me then I sent him home to sleep becuase who ever sleeps good at the hospital!? And he will hopefully be able to take me home tomorrow once I'm juiced up and ready to go back home and wait till I have to come back again or wait to get better. Everyone keeps telling me different weeks that I'll start to feel better and I hope that they are all true but I honestly am braced for the worst and hoping for the best. I am hoping it will be before this little one is born that I'll feel some sort of relief! All I'm expecting is to be home in my own bed tomorrow night eating my frozen juice boxes and watching Jurassic park becuase obviously that's the best movie ever! And if I puke all night and all day i won't care cause I'll be at home.. Last week was a really hard week I got really low so this week I'm feeling so much more positive so someone definitely knew when to out the next IV visit in my path... Now time to try and sleep with the pancake pillows and the sound of my IV pump that's oddly comforting kind of like a white noise machine thank goodness I can't hear anyone screaming having their baby or I might be breaking out of here tonight! Till next time stay positive, it can always be worse..

It's mostly ugly!

I want to start off with the fact that I'm in no way a writer! I just feel this would be a great way for people to get an update on how things are progressing with our journey and for me to keep my sanity! Some of it will be previous journal entries and some will be up to date info on what's happening now! This has been one heck of a ride so far so getting it all out I feel will help me most of all to keep track of progress and keep perspective on how far I've come. This has been the hardest experience of my life emotionally other than losing my mom and I'm not even half way so  I'm using this outlet to let out the good the bad and the ugly hence the name so get ready for the nitty gritty at some points! We found out middle of October that we were expecting this little bundle of joy and by Halloween I was throwing up more times a day than I could keep track of. I was soon after given my diagnosis of severe HG. The list of tried and failed nausea medications is too long to list but it starts with gravol and ends with Chloropromazene. Well to start I guess I should explain what Hyperemesis Gravidarum is and I can't explain it well enough so here's what the Internet says: 

When hyperemesis gravidarum is severe it may result in:

• Loss of 5% or more of pre-pregnancy body weight
• Dehydration, causing ketosis, and constipation
• Nutritional disorders such as Vitamin B1 (thiamine) deficiency, Vitamin B6 deficiency or Vitamin B12 deficiency
• Metabolic imbalances such as metabolic ketoacidosis or thyrotoxicosis
• Physical and emotional stress of pregnancy on the body
• Difficulty with activities of daily living

Some women with hyperemesis gravidarum lose as much as 10% of their body weight. Many sufferers of HG are extremely sensitive to odors in their environment; certain smells may exacerbate symptoms. This is known as hyperolfaction. Ptyalism, or hypersalivation, is another symptom experienced by some women suffering from HG.

Hyperemesis gravidarum tends to begin somewhat earlier in the pregnancy and last significantly longer than morning sickness. While most women will experience near-complete relief of morning sickness symptoms near the beginning of their second trimester, some sufferers of HG will experience severe symptoms until they give birth to their baby, and sometimes even after giving birth.

The end of that last sentence makes me unbelievably discouraged because I hope with everything in  me that this will most definitely end when the baby is born if not sooner! Well so far in my pregnancy this is how HG has shown its ugly face:

-loss of 25 lbs (gained about four back)

-inability to sit up or stand for more than five minutes before vomiting 

-hospitalization for malnourishment and dehydration 

-extreme nausea and vomiting (sometimes up to 12 times daily) 

-unable to keep any food or drink down 99% of the time

-terrible weakness can barely get through a shower sometimes 

-weekly visits to the doctor and hospital sometimes 

-never leave my bed other than to pee or shower

-super bloating in my tummy that makes me look super prego! 

And my newest and most terrible symptom is I'm losing my hair and eye brows which as an Esthatician and someone in the beauty industry is so depressing. I woke up a day or two ago and tried tot are a shower for the first time in let's say...a couple days .... Maybe longer anyways I looked down and noticed my hands were completely covered in hair and my hair feel noticeably thinner as well as having bland spots in both temples now. Okay they aren't completely bland but very close! Then I went to put my face lotion and noticed bald spots in my eyebrows!!! My EYEBROWS! Of course I was mortified and texted my sister at once telling her the sad news! No update on why that's happening so I'll write when I know the meaning of it! I'm at seventeen weeks today and I'm just happy I've made it this far! My good foods that I keep down once and a while are bananas and peanut butter, frozen juice boxes and lemonade. The fact that I can even those things down like 0.05 % of the time puts me way past some people I know who have had this so I'm so grateful for the lords tender mercies in my life allowing me to enjoy a sandwich once and a while! You learn to enjoy the little things:) Till next time stay positive! It can always be worse than it is now!